Author: Charles Frank

Repairing Relationships After Substance Use Disorder

During these years, he adopted two children, now 12 and 17, and made a career as a professional interventionist, helping families get struggling relatives into rehab. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. I gave myself the gift of space to call my own. I soon realized that the studio allowed me to practice setting boundaries with Bill and provided me a safe place when our home became stormy. Without the studio, I wonder whether our marriage would have survived the turbulence of early recovery. I hired my own therapist, who accompanied me for almost five years.

Making amends and rebuilding trust

The remedy did not end with sobriety; that’s where it started. Next, he had to create a treatment plan consisting of therapy, medication, and fellowship to avoid relapse. At first, the idea that if left untreated, his substance use disorder could become a chronic condition was a lot to absorb. Sometimes people discover who they really are in recovery and grow apart. Others find the burden is too heavy and decide to end their relationships.

The Addict

The person not drinking is the one doing the work, and there are others best positioned to help them in this ongoing effort. Mary Stephens, a 57-year-old Californian who has been sober for 12 years, remained in the same marriage both before and after she quit drinking. Her alcohol use had begun to cause tension in her marriage, and her husband, Dave, “was so grateful and so supportive” of her sobriety, she told HuffPost. Just when the recovering addict needs forgiveness, the partner may view sobriety as an opportune time to bring up long-held grievances. However, adding to the addict’s shame can undermine unstable abstinence. Moreover, if substance abuse started before the addict was an independent, self-sustaining adult, then new skills need to be learned.

Why Does Your Personality Change When Drinking Alcohol?

Codependency keeps people from having healthy relationships, so unless this dynamic is changed, sobriety may not be enough to keep the cycle from continuing. In addition, families can be understood as a system. When one partner decides to change their behavior (quit using drugs and alcohol), it causes ripples throughout the family system. This can be disruptive, even if the change made was positive.

To support recovery and build hope for the future, it‘s important for the person in recovery to try to repair the damage done to relationships. If you’re in recovery for SUD, here’s how you can try to make amends with loved ones whose trust was bruised during addiction. Getting your marriage back on track after sobriety won’t be easy, but it can be done with hard work, patience, and communication. Professional help may also be necessary as you work to rebuild your relationship.

  1. Of course, we still had to pay for my husband’s drinks, but that’s the rub.
  2. At least once a month, go out to dinner or participate in a fun activity together.
  3. I got sober and pregnant at roughly the same time.
  4. Navigating relationships while in recovery can be challenging, but you can rebuild trust and repair bonds.
  5. New country (for both of us), new people new adventures.

Adam Banks was an airline pilot who turned to alcohol to cope with the trauma of having been in the skies on Sept. 11, 2001. A marriage in recovery means volunteering to go through that backlog together. Some people, frankly, don’t have the stomach for it. He didn’t try to step in and guide my recovery.

Professional treatment can help you and your partner cope with the negative effects of substance use. Al-Anon is a 12-step based peer support group for family members of people addicted to alcohol and drugs. You can find a local or virtual support group, and access additional resources, on their website. Although many people recover from SUD every day, recovery is often a long and complex process. Your partner may relapse one or more times before finally achieving long-term sobriety.

I’m Sober and My Spouse Is Not: Will Our Marriage Work?

For example, up to half of people with substance use disorder have also experienced symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These mental health symptoms can last longer than the withdrawal period, especially if the person with SUD hasn’t learned healthy coping mechanisms to deal with unwanted feelings. But for most couples experiencing substance use, life after sobriety isn’t so smooth. This is because of the way long-term substance use has affected both partners as well as the relationship itself.

Repairing Relationships After Substance Use Disorder

At least I can’t find where this subset has ever been studied. I’m curious about the rate of divorce in marriages where the alcoholic gets sober. Based on the stories I know, and our personal experience, I’ll bet that divorce rate is over 80%.

There are things you’ll get miserably wrong and words you’ll want to take back. He helped me through it, sometimes by just being a physical presence. Someone to sit next to on the couch when I was numb and out of things to say.

Some couples can thrive immediately after the addicted partner becomes sober. Trust is a fundamental part of every relationship, and it often takes a big hit during periods of substance use. Rebuilding lost trust can be a priority when repairing connections during recovery. Ultimately, your loved ones must be willing to reconnect and try to rebuild your relationship, which can be a vulnerable decision if they’ve been hurt in the past. There’s a chance that your loved one may not be open to it, depending on your history. You may want to agree to a system that will help you rebuild trust, like promising to always call your spouse if you’ll be home late.

Treat the Marriage as a New Relationship

I perceived him as an accomplished executive with a relational leadership style appreciated by his colleagues. It tortured me that he could not stop his drinking. Even though he drank with me, my husband wasn’t (and isn’t) an alcoholic. Living with someone who has substance use disorder can be difficult, and also create changes in your relationship.